Silence.

Silence – A coach’s friend

We are supposed to let red wine breathe before drinking. We are supposed to let cooked meat rest before we eat it. Do you do that, or do you dive in? I don’t know the percentages, but I bet many of us just dive in.  I know I have.  I’m ready. Let’s go. And in the process, we sacrifice flavor for speed.

The same is true for important conversations. Conversations with family members, team members, presentations, and in coaching relationships.  A pause in conversation gives the speaker and a listener a chance to reflect. Sometimes it leads to new insights. It is so powerful. 

But as e.e. cummings said, “most people are perfectly afraid of silence.”  He’s right.  In broadcasting “dead air” is bad – it leads viewers to adjust the volume or perhaps leave the program. And we’ve taken that fear of silence to all types of human interactions. 

Our Type A driven; results focused work makes it even worse. When someone is talking, we’re rehearsing our response in our heads. Or their comments spark an idea, and we can’t wait to share it.  So, we jump right in, even interrupting, just to make our point.

This results in fast paced, race-like conversations where we may leap to conclusions, decisions, and actions, leaving the real opportunity unsaid. 

I recently had the opportunity to be coached by someone who is comfortable “resting in silence.”  I would answer a question and pause, waiting for her to jump in. She didn’t.  She let it rest. But she let it rest in the most kind and compassionate way with body language and facial expressions that said, “I see you. I hear you. What else?” And guess what happened, the new thoughts came. The insights arrived. The action steps revealed themselves. 

It felt like a slow walk in the park, enjoying the sights and sounds. Most of the time we are racing around the track sweating and out of breath. When we finished our session, I felt refreshed and not depleted. 

Now I confess, I still sometimes drink the wine before it is ready. And I still sometimes jump right into a conversation.  But I am trying to develop the practice of sitting in silence and letting the words breathe.  As Will Rogers said, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” Shush and let the magic happen.